There’s a lot of talk about getting the most out of the enforced lockdown we’re all in, and using this time to achieve something ‘great’ which you normally wouldn’t get around to.
I read about a guy who ran a marathon on his balcony (yes really!), and some friends of mine are apparently making huge headway learning French and Italian.
As a Coach I’m all for improving yourself in areas that matter to you, but the last bit ‘in areas that matter to you’ is key.
If you have a tendency to compare yourself with other people, with the result that you end up feeling like a failure because you’re not achieving what they are, I hope this article, which was inspired by 12 Simple Rules by Jordan Peterson, is helpful.
Comparing yourself to your friends, peers, or even worse, people on the news, doesn’t make sense. Your parents are different, your friends are different, your upbringing and backgrounds are different.
As a result, your brains are wired differently, which also means your values, interests and strengths are different.
When you see someone who appears ‘better’ than you, you only see one dimension of their life. You almost certainly don’t have the big picture. They might have a fantastic job, but they might also have an alcohol problem. Or a cheating husband.
When you compare yourself to others, you’re automatically asking yourself to feel bad about what you HAVE achieved.
I do believe when we’re really young, it makes sense to compare ourselves to our peers, as everyone has very limited life experience. No one has had the time to develop the wisdom that sets your standards, your key strengths and whatever makes us all unique. But the older we get, the conditions of our lives become more and more personal, and as a result, they become less comparable with those of others.
So don’t blame yourself for having this tendency to compare, it’s natural and it was useful when you were young.
The point I’m trying to make is this:
The only person you should compare yourself to now, is the person you were yesterday.
The ‘you’ from yesterday has lived the exact same life as you, and they’ve had the same advantages and disadvantages as you’ve had.
The ‘you’ from yesterday is your only true competitor. You can get ahead of them by improving yourself today.
How do you do this?
One way to do this is to take a big picture look at your life, and make sure that your dreams and aspirations are not derived from comparisons with other people.
When you’re being completely honest with yourself, are these aspirations and dreams what you genuinely want, today?
Talking from personal experience, what I wanted in my early 20s is not the same as I want now. Making a lot of money was a huge motivator in my decision making back then, and I’m thankful I was honest with myself later on in my 30s, when I revisited and challenged some of those outdated aspirations.
If you think it would be useful for you to revisit which dreams and aspirations of yours are most important to you today, then the Wheel of Life exercise can be really helpful.
It also allows you to track your development, so you can compare your progress with the former ‘you’.
- Go through all the segments in the Wheel of Work (if you’d rather use the Wheel of Life, click here) one by one, and score them from 1 to 10 according to how happy you are with each. 10 means very happy, 1 means not happy.
- Ask yourself what stands out… are there any low scores that surprise you?
- Decide on ONE segment you want to focus on improving.
- These questions can help you get ideas for specific actions you can take:
- What could you stop doing?
- What could you do less of?
- What could you do more of?
- What could you continue doing?
- What could you start doing?
I’m a huge believer in ‘less is more’. You’re going to get much further by focusing on just one area of improvement, and revisit your progress regularly. Putting reminders in my phone and in my to do list works for me.
The area of improvement I’m working on currently, is ‘dealing better with setbacks and challenges’. I actually started doing this before the Corona situation, and over the last few weeks I realised just what an important and valuable skill this is, no matter what times you live in. With the increased number of challenges that are being thrown at me now, it’s in fact a perfect time to work on this.
Relating this back to the idea of comparing yourself with your previous self, whenever a new challenge has come my way over the last few weeks, I’ve been asking myself how the old Christine would have reacted.
In what way can I act a little bit different to the ‘me’ from yesterday? That’s a question I keep asking myself repeatedly.
How can I be a little more considerate? A little more patient? A little less quick to react?
Of course, it’s a process, and some of the time I mess up. That’s exactly why I’m only focusing on this one area of improvement. It’s hard enough as it is, and I’d rather see gradual improvements in this one area which is important to me, than overwhelm myself with unrealistic goals that end up failing.
Like most things in life, the more skilled you become in one area, the quicker your learning accelerates, and the quicker other areas of your life will be affected as a result.
Just like the idea of compound interest, if you learn to focus intensely on one area of improvement at a time, the outcome is self-perpetuating and grows quicker than if you scatter your focus.
Conclusion
It all starts with changing your perspective.
Compare yourself with the ‘you’ from yesterday, not with how other people are today.
The only race that is fair and gives you the results you genuinely wish for, is the race against the former you. The Wheel of Work/ Life can help you with the first practical step in the right direction.
Then you take one small, incremental step at a time, and you’ll be well on the road towards a goal that is actually meaningful to you.
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